Chances are the last time you clashed with your
partner, the argument had a painfully
familiar ring to it. The facts may differ,
the intensity
may vary, but the basic issues stay the
same—the positions  infuriatingly entrenched.
Even the misery that comes after the fight
has a recycled feel to it. "We're
stuck," many couples tell me. "We
never get anywhere—even when we really
try to sit down and talk about our problems."
Sadly enough, it's true. Meaningful
dialogue has stopped as each party continues
to play a role in a stand-off that destroys
confidence in problem-solving abilities
as well as the relationship. One goal
of the therapy, as I see it, is to move
you from these holding patterns into
real dialogues that address your true
needs, hopes, wishes and dreams.
Conflict
Fights which are focused on money, in-laws,
sex, work, affairs, retirement, friends,
recreation, children, jealousy, and lifestyle often have deeper roots.
The anger, sadness, emotional disengagement, and despair that underlie
these fights need careful attention and exploration. The hidden hopes
and dreams are the real casualties—subjects so carefully guarded
that they never even enter the discussion, and not surprisingly, often
have to do with friendship, safety, respect, compassion, trust, freedom,
self-exploration, love, and joy.
The goal of therapy is not to eliminate
fighting. Fights are going to happen—they're natural and normal
in all relationships. The question is:
how quickly and effectively do you move
to repair your fights? Are you able to
examine exactly what went wrong and talk this
over with your partner without getting
back into the fight? If not, you are
in effect "wasting" your
fights, ensuring that there will be no
take-away lesson and no chance to have
more skilled interactions in the future.
Self-assessment
Ask yourself whether or not you could use some help with aspects of your
interactions that tend to "go off the rails":
- Are either of you critical as opposed
to gentle in voicing complaints?
- Are either of you defensive rather than
taking ownership of at least a part of the problem?
- Are either of you "holier than thou" (contemptuous ) rather than
working from a foundation of friendship and appreciation—knowing
that nobody's perfect?
- Do either of you shut down and withdraw
during your fights?
- Do your discussions start harshly?
- Are you both open to influence from
the other or is it instead a one-way street?
- Do you enjoy your time together doing
routine tasks or errands?
- Do you have meaningful rituals and
habits around leave-taking and reunion, meals, friendships, bedtimes,
couples dates and holidays?
- Do you share similar goals and values?
- Do the two of you compromise well?
My philosophy
As
a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist,
I use Dr.
John Gottman's research-based
assessments and counseling techniques
to help you reduce negativity and
rebuild the intimacy in your relationship.
Getting to emotion is an important
part of this work, and my job will
not be to soothe you but to teach
you how to self-soothe and become
a port in the storm for your partner.
It is my firm belief that we can
get to the root of your relationship
problems without either of you feeling
as though you're about to be identified
as the “pathological
partner” or
the one who is deficient or bad.
Instead, we'll work in a respectful,
collaborative way to help you deepen
your understanding of each other as well
as strengthen the friendship that
is a vital part of repair. At the end
of therapy, most people tell me that
our work was a positive emotional experience
and that they enjoyed the sessions as
well as the homework and exercises.
How the therapy is structured
We need to do a thorough assessment
of relationship strengths and weaknesses so that the areas we target
are not based on guesswork. With this in mind, we will have 4 sessions
devoted solely to information gathering. Our first session (80 to 85
minutes) will be spent exploring each of your hopes and fears about
therapy; the history of your relationship; and some areas of current
difficulty. At the end of this first session, I will give each of you
a detailed questionnaire to complete on your own and bring back to
an individual session. During your individual session (50 to 55 minutes),
we will discuss your individual history as well as any other topics
you consider relevant. Once I've reviewed the completed questionnaires,
we'll schedule a second couples meeting to go over the treatment plan
and jointly decide which issues to give our immediate attention.
Time commitment
I recommend a 10 session commitment
after the assessment period. Following these 10 sessions, we can move
to less frequent sessions and if it seems feasible, begin to phase
out the therapy. Beyond that, we will schedule 4 sessions for follow
up: 1 session after 6 months, another after 12 months, 18 months and
after 2 years. Research shows that these type of "tune-ups" significantly
reduce the chance for relapse.
|
Home
Anxiety/Depression
Relationships
Managing Anger
Medication?
For Lawyers Bio
Sessions
Contact